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Life, or something like it

Posted by kc on April 20, 2011 in On the edge |

It was not a good day. It all started because I decided to look into a life insurance policy, since I no longer have one. Ouch. Very disappointing, to say the least. More than $400 a month to pay off the mortgages and such and take care of a funeral.

Seriously?

So then I looked at my bank account. Ouch, again. It’s dwindling rather quickly. And somewhere making money for United Healthcare is about $900 they extorted from me in order to consider giving me a health insurance policy. With a $10,000 deductible.

I was supposed to have found out about it last week, but they needed some minute information from my doctor — information, mind you, that United Healthcare has, since they were my insurance company for my 15+ years at CNN. But NOOOOOOO. They had to get it from the doctor, who, of course, is the one who gave it to them to begin with. And so, I wait. And wait.

Then I filed my unemployment claim, which will hit my account Friday. It’s the last one I’ll get this month, since I’m working on a freelance basis now. But I won’t get paid for that until the first week of May.

Oh, and by the way, my mortgage went up, but did Bank of America bother to tell me? Of course not.

And about that time, I had a full blown anxiety attack. I tried everything I could think of to chill it out, including sorting through what seemed to me hundreds of cables collected through the years. I tossed those that belonged to equipment I no longer have, but what the hell am I supposed to do with 15 USB A to B cables?

The anxiety attack morphed into pure panic. I grabbed the Canon and went outside to shoot some birds (with the camera, people. You know me better than that), but alas, there were none, probably because I haven’t bought any more bird food for the feeders since I’m worried I won’t be able to feed myself soon.

And that’s because I had, by that time, convinced myself that my part time freelance job would not convert to full time, either ever or in time to save me.

The last time I felt this freaked was … mmm … the day I lost my job.

I used to think I resented that what stood between me and what I wanted out of life was a bunch of green-printed paper and pieces of metal. Now I resent that I don’t have any of that.

I am calmer now. Mostly. I did get a couple of shots of the frog … cutely hanging out on a fake log with his little head poking out of the water.

I’ll be all right. I think. I’ve heard it said that if one day at a time seems too overwhelming, take it down to a minute at a time. That I can handle. And maybe I’ll get it up to an hour, and then back to a day. Maybe. Yeah, sure. i will. I definitely will.

1 Comment

  • Dana says:

    I distinctly remember the constant nagging awareness of each penny that was going out the door the year (08-09) I was unemployed. Nagging awareness often threatened to become a 2×4 in its relentless insistence, and all I could do was keep believing it would get better, had to get better. and it did, it has. but each and every day, at some point, I had to talk myself down and just get through the next breath, the next minute, which turned into the hours and days and months that brought me here. you can do this.

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